well. my fate is obvious. it appears i will be alone forever.
i have no one to depend on. i have no one to talk to. i can talk to jako. and i make plans with her. however i get the feeling im the only one that believes it and like alot of my other relationships im the only one giving anything. or trying to follow through with the plans. the heart called me this morning. it was the most pleasant feeling ever. to awaken to such a comforting voice. to hear such familiar words. everytime i encounter her i realize how shittily im living my life. im not doing what i want. im not with anyone i want to be with. i feel ill never find better. and im terrified considering shes such a liar herself. but who isnt. but i guess to see it from an outside perspective it hurts just as much as being in the situation and having it happen first hand. im glad i dont have to deal with that anymore. im glad i dont care about anyone enough to get hurt. however im still very much in love with my heart. well maybe not in love but truely and deeply love her. she is everything in my world. everything that will be is based on what we once were. either thats sad or maybe its having standards. i refuse to be with anything less. but some how i found myself involved with... an even more dishonest person. im not happy with that. ive lowered my standards. but kept them at the same time. but im done with it. shes absolutely revolting. she lies, and ignores. and doesnt listen to her heart. she doesnt seem to have a heart. well thats not true. but it seems as if she is actually incapable of loving someone. she may say she has loved. but to carry herself and go on the way she does i dont believe it. who has these many serious relationships in such a short amount of time. and just forgets about the person before. is nothing sacred to you. everything i tried to introduce to you was immediately disregarded. as if it was blasphamous. it was new to you i understand but whats more rude of me was to change my beliefs to accomodate you. youre an idoit and will never know love if youre always so afraid. but who am i to judge. i dont even have friends or any people interested in me.
ive not seen her for two days or anyone else besides family and coworkers for that matter. but ive grown comfortable with it. i dont care. i actually did not want to see kayla who ive written about previously because i'd rather sit in my room alone. i'll call it a mental check up. i have to gather myself before i sink lower than comfort level. i just cant do it anymore with anyone. i cant stand their shit. i cant stand dishonesty. and i cant stand not receiving the dedication i give. I AM DEDICATED. i make it a point to get that across. i am honest. i do not lie and will not lie if i make a promise or even some kind of commitment. i cant. my heart wont let me. my conscious wont allow me. i just hope i find someone who is as dedicated, honest, and deserving as me. well dedicated and honest to me as i am to them. they say you get what you put out there. is my reality that askew? i honestly believe i give the effort. and receive nothing. maybe its coming back in forms i cant see yet. and im willing to work and wait for it. however it can be a little discouraging. i suppose i will wait it out. but i will not tolerate just anything or anyone. i shant be rude anymore.
Three years ago today i knew i was going to meet you. i had no idea how important you would be.
Two years ago today i was heading back to San Antonio after visiting you, i was hopeful.
One year ago today we went out to dinner. I ruined the night with my anger, i knew it would be the last time this day would be relevant to both of us.
Three years later i am alone. Lost. Miserable and i still think of you as home.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls pants - use it to get into their head
*im starting to feel we stayed together out of fear of dying alone. ive been slipping through the years. my old clothes dont fit like they once did. so they hang like ghosts of the people we've been.
*its like my heart cant contain and i fall in love everyday and i feel like a fool.
*i have to face the truth that no one could ever look at me like you do.
*theres times i think of leaving but its something ill never do because you can do better than me but i cant do better than you.
* she said she never envisioned him the type of person capable of such deceit.
* i wouldnt care if you were a prostitute and that you hit every man that you ever knew. see it wouldnt make a difference if that was way before me and you.
*in the silence it became so very clear that you had long ago disappeared. i cursed myself for being surprised that this didnt play like it did in my mind. all the way from san fransisco as i chased the end of your rope cuz ive still got miles to go. and i want to know my fate if i keep up this way. and its hard to want to stay away.
*what happening baby whats happening baby you know you need to roll with a champion baby. everytime i see you i get asthma baby like ah ah thats my baby.
* you and i are like when fire and the ocean floor collide.
*My ribs have parted ways
They said, "We're not going to protect
this heart you have."
* you think you fresh shit nigga, i'm ripe.
* go where you want and i know where you'll end up
*I'm about to see a million things
I thought I'd never see before and I
I'm about to do all of the things
I've dreamed of and
I don't even miss you at all
* I'll live without you love but what good is one glove without the other?
*"what kind of life you dream of? you're allergic to love."
*you speak of a fever that burns you inside
*ill ring your doorbell until you let me in, and i can no longer tell where "you" end and "i" begin.
* i got a drinking problem man, one mouth and two hands.
*Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no, YOU KNOW IT WILL ALWAYS JUST BE ME
*yeah to the left to the left. you wanna leave be my guest, you can step.
*Tryin to regain me How can I get a grip when I lost my main squeeze
*I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a
*She always used to promise if she leave she'll be back around
*I push love to it's full limit
*Do a hundred-ninety in the lane called memory
And I know you in that lane with me
But when the light change
You didn't change with it
And now im honking my horn
got to get that dead grass off of my lawn
*Knew you would fall in love with me and the shit I do
But never knew you would murder me, what did I do
Knew you was right for me, knew I was right for you
*I want a lover i dont have to love
* i had thought of rose petals most perfectly pure then i thought of your petals and the abuse they've been through.
*I want to be your fever just to know i make you heated
*every picture you paint i will paint myself out
*pay no attention to me dancing with my girl we have every intention to be failures in this world.
*when sun down pales the sky i wanna hide away behind your smile everywhere i look your eyes i'd find.
*you are the smell before rain you are the blood in my veins.
*if you cant stand in place you cant tell whos walking away from who remains, who stays, who stays, who stays.
*the longer you think the less you know what to do.
*i'll love you all your days until your breath leaves your delicate frame.
*but you said your vows and you closed the door on so many men who would have loved you more.
*You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?
other than a sick desire for self abuse.
*And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like we're in some kind of hurry to say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye.
*His head was a city of paper buildings
and the echoes that remained.
Of old friends and lovers,
their features bleeding together in his brain.
Once it starts, it's harder to tell them apart.
*He was always distracted
by the very mention of an open door.
'Cause he has sworn not to be what he'd been before...
*and if you leave, you're leaving the best
so you would have to settle for less
i am no elliot ness, i don't handcuff i dont arrest
*yeah, it's no sweat no sweat
i will never 1, 2, 3 4-get
about you, your love, your sex
you know i work you out like bowflex
our jokes. no stress. love.
live life. proceed. progress.
make sure the neighbors get no rest
we can get together, never disconnect
*You, you want nothing to do with me
I, I don't know what to do with you
'cause you don't know what you do to me
*If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
*You can write my place out of the life you make
And all the things that mattered when you knew my face
*Cross off all the ways I failed you because I failed you
But I'm still in your blood you're still in my blood
*Temporary battles can take up half your life
How you dig your bed will it help you sleep at night
Forgiveness like a blanket that you want to forget
But you still crumble at my name, you still crumble at my name.
*my brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust.
*i hate to break it to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career
*i can see it in your eyes like i can taste your lips and they both say were better than this
i said "i like your shoes"
she said "thanks can i follow you"
ETERNITY....WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR ME.
i built you a home in my heart with rotten wood it decayed from the start
i like brain so i fucks with a whole buncha nerds.
clean my tv screen...not just that...why dont cha clean everything.
lets fuck it up boys....MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
psh oh no i didn't
23 and disintegration - jimmy eat world
slow dancing in a burning room - john mayer
so much, all over you, dutch courage, THIS IS FOR KEEPS!!!, catch the wind - The spill canvas
The boy who blocked his own shot - brand new
Pointless Forever - Armor For Sleep
Blue Light, Tulips, This modern love - bloc party
Bitches In Tokyo, Calender Girl, One More Night - Stars
Transatlanticism - Deathcab For Cutie
nothing better, such great heights, the dream of evan and chan - The postal Service
Classic Cars - Bright eyes
Silencer, Gentlemen - mewithoutYOU
From the edge of the deep green sea - The cure
Volcano, delicate, the blowers daughter - Damien rice
Coccoon, the engine driver, o’ valencia - The decemberists
Little motel - modest mouse
dig, i wish you were here, i miss you - incubus
i could die for you, aeroplane, scar tissue - RHCP
From South Carolina - Her Space Holiday
Cold Cold Water - Mirah
Lover You Should’ve Come Over - Jeff Buckley
Run, Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Road To Joy - BRIGHT EYES
Brand New Colony - THE POSTAL SERVICE
Erection - THE FAINT
Gold Digger - KANYE WEST ( he’ll leave your ass for a white woman)
any and all LIL WAYNE
bluest light-bloc party
no woman no cry-bob marley
light my fire(?)-mirah
livin on a prayer-bon jovi
whats up-4 non blondes
im disappointed that loyalty, integrity, decency and honesty are not common characteristics in most people. i have so many thoughts racing through my mind right now. im not the smartest person in the world. i know im not the only one to have these thoughts. but why is this an issue in america. and i swear to you its only in america. i left texas only to move back. biggest mistake ive made in a while. its only more apparent here that no one cares about anything except themselves and their stature. its gross. honestly sickening. money cars clothes hoes. where the fuck is the love. honestly. i would start talking globaly but we cant even get our fucking heads out of the fucking town. san antonio (including austin and i believe dallas) is in the top ten of the LEAST homeless friendly cities in the united states. thats off topic but its still horrible if you read the laws against homeless people. i try to meet people but ive yet to meet a handful that i would call friends. im a little off, trust. i know this. im trying to figure out who i am. there was a point in time when i was comfortable with everything about me, but my world came crashing down. so yes while trying to live sober i get a little strange. but i am an honest decent loyal person. for the most part, im not a fucking saint.
i know i fucked up. and i know karma comes back ten fold. but did i seriously throw that much negative shit out there. im thankful for everything i have i just am disappointed with the lack of character people possess. sometimes i meet someone that i can feel with my heart and the words they speak and the presence they have fills my entire body. i know that sounds gay.but its like. they just disappoint. i think its my fault. i think i have expectations again. and no ones going to reach them. i look very highly at certain people. and it devastates me when they act another way than i perceived them as. but its not entirely me. they put themselves out there a certain way. i dont know. it just boils down to people being phony. and i do hate phony fucks. i love life and i love people. but san antonio has broken my heart
yesterday was the start to it all.
side note: i believe this was when i was living with hayley and just found my own place. and danielle just started talking to me again... i thought it was the start. but it was the end.
i think its over between me and her. we've been fighting constantly. its august first the day we were supposed to meet. but now i see her august fifth. and im excited and nervous i dont know how its going to be. i havent talked to her in two days. which is REALLY ODD. she leaves tomorrow i think. i just wanna hear her voice i just wanna know everything is okay. i wanna tell her i love her and to stay safe and have a safe flight. i think its over because we havent talked. the i loves yous arent anything new. just an i love you and i miss you here and there. i write her emails all the time i call everything and i get nothing. wow how odd she called me... ha.
i am not lost. i have not been found. i am not bored. i have nothing to do. i am me. i have changed.
im trapped. in a case. i will remain there for quite some time. dont save me. its not what i want. just watch me through the glass dying.